I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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