I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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