Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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