Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize