Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
