So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
whose parrot is this?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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