The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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