when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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