Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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