dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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