there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
