I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
