...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
