that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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