remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
