Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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