glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
