I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
