i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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