If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
