I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
