You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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