I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
