i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
