at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
