what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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