I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
