In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dignity is for republicans.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
