Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
