"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You took a bar mat shot.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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