Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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