well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
