I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
