I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
