Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
