I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
