I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
