just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
