dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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