May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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