Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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