I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
