i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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