She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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