you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
