He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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