I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize