I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
