Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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