You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
