Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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