literally had 100 drinks last night.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
