I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize