Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
