Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
