I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
