you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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