1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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