We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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